Sloan Kettering scheduled it for the 30th, and the pre-screening is on the 28th.  Mom plans to stay in the city from the night of the 27th to the 31st or 1st, depending on when they release her after surgery.

When she returns home in April, we will get a clearer picture of what sort of help she will need.

Keep us in your prayers

I can’t believe the year is almost over.  It’s been a long year, full of surprises, let downs, fun and stress.  A mixed bag of experiences that when weighed together has been a valuable year for me.

I have a good feeling that this year, when I turn 35, is going to a memorable year for me.  I have everything just where I want it in my life.  Financially, emotionally, spiritually and technically, I am ready to launch my career as a painter.  I am going to paint the kind of paintings I’ve always wanted to – big and bold.

Mar 12

Since I wrote that, a lot has happened.  My mother has been diagnosed with a brain tumor, and I am forced to confront my fear of her not being with me for the rest of my life, as I’d like her to.  Rationally, I know this is not possible, but emotionally, that is what I want anyway.

While living with mom for two years before coming to Korea, I was sure that the next series of paintings would be influenced by that experience.

While teaching at Poly school in 2011, I came up with the theme for my next series of pantings:  the Korean sauna.

After finishing my contract, March 29, 2012, I moved into my studio at Jankura Art Space in Itaewon, Seoul, the next day.  Four days later, I had started my first painting.

This is the start of the first painting.  I’ve worked on it for 3 days, about 9 hours.

There are many ages and body types in the sauna, and all are unique and beautiful to me.  Many of the women have bodies that bore children, and the elderly who have bore many burdens during wartime.  The paintings are about more than the sauna though.

As I worked on this first painting, I realized that this series is largely a tribute to women.  Women are amazing.  Women give life, nurture, and are strong and sensual by nature.  In the painting, I plan to also put myself as I have begun to see these qualities and validate them in myself for the first time.  Becoming a fully realized human being and woman is a process and I am grateful for all the women in my life who have acted as teachers and role models for me.  Most of all, I am grateful to my wonderful mother, who I love with all my heart and who gave me life and continues to enrich my life today.

Here is a little background on the sauna from Wikipedia.

In Korea, saunas are essentially public bathhouses. Various names are used to describe them, such as the smaller mogyoktang, outdoor oncheon, and the elaborate jjimjilbang. The word ‘sauna’ is used a lot for its ‘English appeal’, however it does not strictly refer to the original Scandinavian steam rooms that have become popular throughout the world. The konglish word sauna (사우나) usually refers to bathhouses with jacuzzis, hot tubs, showers, steam rooms, and related facilities

When you enter the sauna, you can find lots of naked women wandering around, applying lotions, drying their hair after bathing, and so on. The temperature is very warm.  You will see a counter where you can buy soaps, shampoo, clothes, undergarments, some foods and drink, and anything else you may need for washing or comfort.

The first thing you do is go to your locker, undress and put your clothes inside.  I can imagine most foreigners would be shy about being undressed in front of so many strangers, but I felt fine about it, I guess because I have experience drawing from nude figures and being a nude figure model myself. It felt quite natural to me.

(From KNU Times) When you look around the public bath, you can see many people sitting down on plastic seats and washing themselves, rather than standing at the showers. This is because they are “washing off the dirt” from their bodies. Most foreigners, especially people from western countries, just take a quick shower, but Korean people painstakingly wash off the dirt from their bodies with a rough towel called an ‘Italy towel.’ This towel did not in fact originate from Italy. It was named after Italy because its producer, the textile manufacturer in Busan, had imported fabrics from there. These different approaches to washing might seem strange, but there are various reasons for them. One is that westerners and Koreans (or eastern people) have different skin characteristics. Western people usually have more oily skin compared with Koreans, so the dirt can be easily washed from their body by just taking a shower. The soap bubbles easily remove oily elements from the skin. The skin of Koreans, however, is typically less oily, so Koreans usually soak their bodies in hot water and then rub off the dirt with the Italy towel.

The atmosphere is mesmerizing and tranquil.  When I enter into this ‘world,’ I feel immediately at ease.  There is no doubt that I attract attention and stand out as a foreigner, but I am accepted because I am a woman, just as the others, and can feel acceptance as I participate in this same ritual and take the same pleasure from it as the other women do.

In the sauna, I feel I get a glimpse of Korean women when they are unguarded.  Through my depictions of these bathers, I aim to capture the beauty in what has become a ritual for many Koreans that perhaps only an outsider can view objectively.  Without a grasp of the language, I have the special ability to see as only an outsider can, without prejudices or pre-judgments.

I don’t mean to act as a voyeur, just an observer of what is beautiful.  I see compassion, love, caring, and peacefulness in the expressions and body movements of the women there.

My process for doing these paintings will be different than I’ve worked before.  I am not going to use models.  I am just going to use sketches I do at the sauna.

This, in itself, is an interesting endeavor.  For a while, I wondered how I could manage to sketch unnoticed.  I certainly did not want to annoy the women there.  For the first attempt, I took the smallest notepad I had in there with me.  I hid it in the bowl, amongst my washing things.  When I got in a tub, I took it out and pretended to be writing.  The women would glance at me, but then lose interest.  So, I think they decided that I was just writing.  Since they are used to foreigners there, I could do my thing without them staring at me.  They are there to scrub and are not in an ‘aware’ state.  The heat acts as a sort of mind eraser.  No one would really want to engage me anyway, so me with a pad of paper didn’t attract much more attention than I would normally with my blond hair

.

However, I wanted to make bigger sketches.  So, I decided I need to invite a Korean woman to come with me to act as a decoy.  Fortunately there was a girl who was willing to do this.  She is an art student and so understood my idea perfectly.  We met on Sunday, February 19, and I got some great sketches.  One of these sketches is now the reference for this painting.  I will make more with her when I get back from NY.  She said that now she does not look at the sauna the same way anymore.  This is what I was hoping would happen

The reason for this debate is that the surgeon has expressed reservations about doing a biopsy because of the risk of neurological damage.

Whereas the neuro-oncologist would like the biopsy done in order to be certain if it is a metastatic tumor, primary tumor or (very unlikely) an infection.  This way, he can be sure of the exact radiation/chemo treatment to prescribe.

They are having a ‘tumor board meeting’ on Monday to add to the  roundtable discussion they are already having about it.  It seems as if mom’s tumor has created a scientifically interesting conundrum for the doctors.

So, Suzanne, mom and I are using the extra time to enjoy each others company and take care of little details around the house and organization of paperworks and things like that.

It feels really good to be here and to see Suzanne and mom and be together

Feel free to call the house if you’d like to talk to any one of us!

631-368-1389

Thank you for your prayers for my mom.  She is home today and so grateful for all your concern.

Tomorrow she will head to the city to Sloan Kettering for a consultation.  The doctors at Stonybrook said this:

the consensus between the specialists that met yesterday is as follows roughly: 50% chance it’s primary, 40% chance it’s metastatic, 10% it’s just an infection that could be drained during biopsy. 2-3% chance of hemorrhage during procedure and 2-3% chance they are unable to get viable results from biopsy.

The latest news from the doctors:

Neuro surgeon, Dr. Rosiello,  thinks it’s a metastatic tumor which is better than a Primary tumor, but it may not be a tumor at all but an infection.  The biopsy will be done at Sloan Kettering next week.  For the biopsy they will drill a hole in her skull to allow the needle to pass.

Carol Maurer, the social worker, reported this (interesting that she has the same last name as mom):

Rosiello’s # is 631-444-8105.

So, Mom is leaving Stonybrook Wednesday, March 7.  Either Mark or Pan will pick her up (not the mythological creature).

Mark’s phone number: 516-480-1063

Pan’s phone number: 631-255-9739

Karina may host mom for a night until Suzanne comes on Thursday morning.   Or Janice Becker may check in on her.  Thanks Karina and Janice <3 !

We are relieved to not have to deal with Stonybrook’s mismanagement any more. If anyone has any stories they want to share about this hospital or Dr. Rosiello, please let us know.

From what Dr. Gil told us on Saturday, Dr. Kowalska will have a meeting with the neurosurgeon on Tuesday as Mark said.  The way Dr. Gil explained it, we might not hear about their conclusion on whether or not to do a biopsy until Wednesday.  If they decide to do a biopsy then Dr. Gil said this could happen as early as Thursday.

Suzanne will arrive in NY on Wed, March 7.  She will stay with mom until March 17.

I am planning to fly out sometime between March 15 and April 14.

If anyone has any information about live in caretakers, please let us know.  Mom may not be able to live on her own because of the risks.

Thank you for keeping mom in your thoughts and prayers.

After some more testing, the doctors found she has atrial fibrillation.  This will increase the chances of forming blood clots leading to a higher risk of stroke among other things.  The medication they would normally give to her for this can’t be given as it will negatively affect the tumor.  They are still doing more tests on her and trying to figure what other medical problems might be there.

She hasn’t seen a neural oncologist yet, though she was recommended to see one a.s.a.p. on Monday.  Mark is going to handle this situation as our frustration level mounts.

You can visit or call mom at Stonybrook Hospital.  Her information:
Floor 13, Room 52

phone number in room: 631-216-9708

her cell phone number: 631-579-2372

Her nurse’s name is “Kelly”

I will again keep you informed as best I can about Gerri’s/Gisela’s developing brain tumor.

I spoke with her this morning at Stonybrook Hospital.  She is in good spirits, and lucid.  She said she has known for a while that she had “something growing in the brain,” and had suspected a tumor.  She added that she believes she will have “plenty of time” to see the new baby in August.  She really wants Lauren and Chris to be happy with their new baby.  She says she will likely be diminished by then, but perhaps that’s a good thing because then she worry less about things.

She says that the tumor will grow slowly, however she hasn’t seen an oncologist yet.  When we find out more, I will post that.

In the meantime, please pray for mom and the family that we stay strong and positive.

Love

Barbara

This is the painting I am working on right now.  I am using a photograph that I took of a Mongolian boy riding, or rather standing on, his horse during a performance at the Korean Folk Village.  I remember when I was watching it, I couldn’t believe that these could be Koreans, and sure enough, I learned they were Mongolian.  They were so at home on horseback.

The idea or theme behind this painting is our communication with animals.  Humans can have can have deep and meaningful relationships with animals.  Those who work with animals know this through their experience, and it fills me with joy whenever I can witness the bond between human and animal.  I am especially intrigued by the bond between human and horse.  I want to do more paintings of interactions between humans and horses in the future.  I plan to use Cavalia and Equus Projects in NYC for reference.

This painting is also about the vitality of youth.  The Mongolian rider was about 14 years old.  As I watched him, I observed the joy and freedom in his expression; the confidence of how he held himself.  Through his job, he is able to experience his body, youth and energy in a way that other boys his age here cannot experience.

There are many things that still have to be worked through in the painting.  I think I might lighten the boys skin color again.  Originally I thought I would do more of a silhouette/sunset scene, but it’s turning into a lighter painting.

Also, I have to figure out where to put the horizon, and if I’ll have sky or just the expanse of water touching the top of the canvas.

The colors are being adjusted as I go.

I welcome any thoughts you might have….

Spirituality has always been a big part of my life.

I guess I always feel lucky because being an artist makes it so obvious that there is a larger creative energy source out there that some call God.

When I create, yes, it is from me, but I also feel connected to a Universal Source.  I feel like I tap into a creative energy that can be called God.  I feel like it is accessible to anyone who can close their mind and open their hearts to it.

It requires that I am in a peaceful place.  That I am not cycling the negative thoughts that so often occupy my mind.

Painting often gets me there.  Meditation can, too, as can sports and other things like writing, too.  Or listening to beautiful music.

Some might say that this is just a state of mind that is achieved through neuro-responses.

I disagree.  I guess there is a certain amount of trust involved that I cannot know or understand everything.

So, back to painting.  I sacrifice a lot to be a painter.  I feel it is a gift that the Universe or God gave me to be of service in the world.  I can bring beauty to the world through my talent.  Also, I feel closer to god when I’m creating.  I feel like I am doing something worth wile and that gives my life meaning.

Before I came to Korea, I went through an existential crisis where I thought I will give up pursuing painting and pick a different career where I could be more of service and be more secure financially.  I still hadn’t realized that painting IS how I can be of service.

Meeting Chang Wan helped me realize that the life of a painter can be a life of spirit, of giving, of service.

Seeing Chang Wan’s paintings around me, inspires me every Saturday.  It is like going to church, and being surrounded by love and symbols of goodness.

I was afraid to move into the sphere of creative energy, because once in it, in order to go through the creative process meaningfully you give up ego.  You just have to let go and trust.  This is something that scares because the ego does not want to be given up on.  It thinks it IS your identity!  In effect, you lose your ‘self’ in the creative process.  This is really an amazing and divine experience once you are there.  But then what can happen is that you lose touch with the material world.  The challenge is how to stay grounded and also regularly be in the spiritual realm.

Recently I have been listening to people like Eckart Tolle, explaining what ego is and the necessity of being aware of it and not letting it control you.

For example, Eckart Tolle calls it, “the pain body”  It is made up of all the negative experiences  that have happened to you in your past and also of the world.  I’ve spent many years sorting through what is my pain body, or what is real and what isn’t.  How do I access the “real me.”  This process I call finding the Truth.  The Truth, beauty, all that is good, love – that is what I call God.

I think of God as the Source.  The source of all, the force of all.  A power that is in every one of us.  One can walk with God when they are being authentic and living life with awareness of the Creative Force within them.  God is an energy that we can access through prayer, devotion, worship and service.  When we act from love rather than fear, we are ‘of God,’ or being true Christians.  When we are creating, we are ‘of God.’  When I am painting, I feel like I’m sitting next to God, if you want to picture God as a form.  God can take many forms, and I accept all forms of God that different religions present.

Next year will be the first time that I will truly devote myself full-time to painting without side distraction.  I want to make it an act of love and service and I will actively ask and pray for God’s guidance throughout.

“The artist, by turning inward to confront the source of all that creates, also helps the larger social order. Because an artist enters the solitude of silence to expand the potential of the imagination, the artist envisions horizons of hope within the human condition. Like a prophet their work calls others to new insights and challenges that inspire faith and hope. The ability to enter creation does not require talent, but the willingness to respond with “Yes.” The artist bridges the realm of the sacred and society by this commitment to return to the center of creativity through prayer.”  http://www.prayerwindows.com/art-as-a-prayer/

I have always been told that my talent is uncommon, but within the art world there are others just as talented or more so.  So, I thought, why should I go into painting, if it’s already being done just fine by others?

Really this was just masking my fear of saying, “Yes,” to the call of God.  I was afraid to just trust and devote myself to my work.  Afraid of losing my ego or worldly identity.  Afraid of losing the security of a regular job and regular life.  However, security is an illusion we agree to believe in.  There is always a trade-off for security.  I have never been willing to trade in my passion to create for a steady job.  Instead, I search for security through relationships with others and increasingly with the Cosmos.

There is a constant battle in me between the worldly life and the spiritual plane (this is why I love Herman Hesse so much, he writes with such talent on this dilemma). I yearn for a middle ground. I yearn for what I don’t have.  This year, I will practice devotion in my work and see where it takes me.  I will look at what is in front of me and try to see with clear eyes and authentically.  We are really so insignificant in the order of the world, I will keep this in mind whenever my ego demands that I should be doing this or that.

As far as marriage and family, I will keep this desire close to me, but try not to let it affect me.  I will remember that it took many years for the wish to have a year of painting to launch my career manifest.  When the time is right and I am ready, all things happen.

My wish for the future is to find a marriage between regularly visiting the spiritual plane and being in the Earthly one.  Perhaps this will come literally through marriage with someone who can keep me grounded or perhaps it will come via another route.

At any rate, this will be a year of authenticity, creativity, courage, and nourishment.

From “Higher Awareness” website:

Making a difference

“The spiritual life is a call to action. But it is a call to … action without any selfish attachment to the results.”

– Eknath Easwaran

Many of us feel deeply that we want to make a difference — we want our lives to mean something in the bigger scheme of life. While this is a noble motive, we might want to explore what lies at its root.

Does the drive to make a difference arise from ego’s need to feel worthy? If my ego is not convinced that I matter, I may want visible proof that I do by making some kind of impact on life.

Soul doesn’t need proof that it’s worthy. Soul thrives in being awake and connected. Perhaps if we let go of the pressure we feel from our ego’s need to be recognized, we will be more open and able to simply live soulfully. And by doing that, we WILL make a difference!

“A person’s worth is contingent upon who he is, not upon what he does, or how much he has. The worth of a person, or a thing, or an idea, is in being, not in doing, not in having.”

– Alice Mary Hilton